let’s talk about…miscarriage

I think the point at which I met my first road block was my first year of teaching. I was newly married the summer before my first year of teaching. We were the proud new parents to our precious boxer puppy {that we may or may not have gotten on the way back from our honeymoon}. I had a team that was as close to perfect as possible. I was excited, ready to make a difference, one snotty nose, tear-stained face at a time.

It was a challenging group to say the least. Late nights. Frustrated wife. The hubs was stuck taking care of our new pup (did I mention he grew up with outside dogs?). Frustrated hubby.  It was hard, but ya’ know, you just keep L-I-V-I-N.

It started with a burger. I took my first bite of that Steak and Shake burger and wanted to vomit. Like, I had to spit it out. In the bag. I love meat, especially red meat. I stared at my burger legit dazed and confused. What did it mean? We immediately ran to the closest drug store for a pregnancy test. At that point I knew, I didn’t need a test. I bought my vitamins, a book that shows you what your baby looks like from day 1 to birth {how do they even do that?!}, and started planning.

I had one friend that I couldn’t keep it from. You know that friend that makes you confess all your fears and worries with just a look? The one that exudes love and compassion in everything they do? My mind was consumed with worry and excitement. How will we do this? Do I want this? I broke down, I told her all my fears and concerns. She listened with such compassion. When she told me she had struggled with infertility for years, I was shocked. How awful to listen to someone complaining about  the very thing you had prayed for every day. I couldn’t imagine what I had just put her through. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. Such selfless love.

Fastforward to the same room a week later. She was the only person I wanted to tell. I knew she would understand. Now I understood. I needed to grieve with her. I needed to cry with her. I needed to pray with her.

Are there certain verses you don’t understand or like so you just skim over them? Knowing you can’t deal with that right now? Romans 8:28 That was a doozy for me. Until then-ish. Of course, I couldn’t see it at the time, but that baby had a purpose. I could write a novel about that experience and what that friendship has taught me.

Talking about miscarriages can be tricky. Even though miscarriages are accidental or even natural, it’s such a private experience. No one knows but you. You don’t want to run around saying “I lost my baby!” So how do we ask for support? How do we support those going through this? We all deal with grief differently. The one thing I learned through this is no matter what we are grieving, we all want that grief acknowledged. Sometimes you think your helping with thoughts like, “I don’t want to remind them by bringing it up.” Let me be clear, they are thinking about it constantly. They are feeling it constantly.

When loved ones don’t share the pain, it makes for a pretty heavy load. It feels like neglect. It feels like guilt for feeling awful, for struggling to get out of bed or eat, for making your friends and family worry. And you know what? That’s just more feelings. More feelings that have to be peeled back before you can focus on your loss, what might have been, answering questions, and finding peace.

The one thing I want you to know or take away from this (sorry, a little teacher came out there):

If someone trusts you enough to include you in their grief, you are important to them. It’s awkward, scary, and sometimes always uncomfortable, but they need you. Just check in. They may be waiting for an opportunity to discuss how they’re doing or they may say they don’t want to talk about it. Don’t push. You’ve acknowledged that they are still in pain or dealing. You recognize the struggle it took for them to be wherever they are in that moment. You aren’t expecting them to get over it according to some arbitrary time frame. That means more than you will ever know.

-p